Since mid-yesterday I've had the feeling that my left foot is being sawed off at the ankle, horizontally, about 3/4″ from the ground. It was strange, because I was just sitting here and all of a sudden it started. I thought I'd been bitten by an insect or something so I grabbed my foot to see but there was nothing on the surface, even though I could feel the skin tearing open. It was (and continues to be) very strange, because I keep looking at it, expecting it to be all messed up or at least an open sore or something, but it's totally healthy skin. What's even weirder is that there's nothing wrong with that leg in general (ie. so there's no chance that the nerves were damaged by surgery). So who knows why it's happening.
But anyway, as I'm wrapping up at the gym and I start feeling a similar pain in my left hand. I have fifteen minutes of chin-ups and lifts and pushups remaining to wrap up, and it was crazy painful, but I looked at my hand a couple times and it looked fine so I figured I was probably imagining it too. When I got out of the shower though (which makes skin more translucent), I noticed that the spot that hurt actually was bruised. So I feel a little mentally vindicated about that.
Anyway, I'm glad I didn't quit because I hate quitting, but at the same time, I'm also really glad that I wasn't making it up. Not that it's much of an injury or even an injury (yeah, I know some people are saying “um, where is it?”), but I'm just happy it wasn't my imagination.
Oh, and for those that are interested, here's everyone who's posted a time of over 1:30 in my little apnea forum (more). The reason I chose 1:30 (arbitrarily) is I figure 1:30 – 2:30 minute breathholds are pretty safe but do force you to use some amount of mental self control to achieve it.
Hey, being in pain isn't so bad if it gets you boobmails!
Full email trimmed for identity protection! Anyway, since I'm a primitive person that operates on simple action-reward pathways, let me continue blabbering…
One of the things I struggle with is debating how much of what I'm experience is real, and how much is either a malfunction with nerves in my body or a coping mechanism in my brain that I haven't yet understood on a conscious level. I mean, obviously a percentage of the pain is real because I doubt it would wake me up otherwise, but I am almost certain that there are times when it feels worse than it is. For example, when I dry my leg, there's the dead part, which just feels messed up because I can feel it through the towel with my hand, but my leg can't feel the towel… I don't even really know how to describe it. It's just “not there”. However, it's surrounded by a two inch or so border of skin that's intensely painful from any contact, and then the rest pretty much feels normal. So I wonder if that really painful border zone is painful because there's some kind of healing or nerve regrowth happening, or if it's because my brain is compensating for the invisible part.
Speaking of coping mechanisms and there being a disconnect between what's really happening on a subconscious level and what is going on consciously, here's an interesting example. Say I have to bend over/squat down and pick up a barbell. I can do the motion without difficulty without a bar there, and the weight is easy, but the instant I touch the bar, my body instantly shifts my weight off of my legs and into my arms, so I'm holding most of my weight with my arms instead of my legs. The more I try and push with my legs or even try and change the position of my back, the more I can feel myself pushing pretty much the opposite way with my arms… It's really quite strange, watching yourself think one thing and do something else, but I think that's because your conscious mind may yell commands at your subconscious, but it doesn't always listen if it thinks you're doing the wrong thing (just like most people can't force themselves to hold their breath that long, even though they're in no danger at the point they give up). What's even weirder is that as soon as I let go of whatever is supporting me, my weight shifts instantly, full strength comes back to my legs, and I can control the motion again.
Anyway, all of this is quite interesting because it's made me think a lot about how my brain functions and how conscious perception and control mechanisms actually relate to reality and result… And of course there's the boobmail benefits too, haaa.
Well, off to the gym for a different sort of pain!
Sorry for the server confusion last night and this morning, and perhaps a little longer. Short version of the story is that some upstream nameservers got moved around and it messed with DNS for many of the machines in the cage. They appear to be slowly becoming accessible again, variant largely on the way your local network is caching DNS requests as far as I can tell.
Things are nicer underwater. I like the way things look underwater. I like the way it feels to be totally surrounded by water and not having to use my body to support weight. I like the way objects move, both intentionally and with the current, underwater. I like the way things sound underwater. I like the feeling of extreme loneliness coupled with extreme connectivity with the universe that's easiest to experience underwater.
I was watching freediving videos and I wondered how long I could hold my breath. When I was a teenager I could hold my breath for four or five minutes without any real effort (I used to do it to pass the time on the late bus home from school)… Anyway, as of this morning that has dropped to a pretty pathetic 2:15 (albeit that's no preparation, just “let's start… now!”), although I'm pretty sure I could push that to about 3:30 with a bit of effort and practice.
The last two nights I've been woken up by a person lying next to me writhing in pain. I wake up and I roll over to try and adjust my leg and I have a temporary megafright as I stare into this distorted face, like some Picture of Dorian Gray for pain rather than sin. As my brain realizes it's awake the figure disappears fairly quickly, but it makes me wonder what I dream about. I mean, is it weird if I'm dreaming about some imaginary doppelgaenger that I dump illusory pain into until the real pain overwhelms my ability to do that? It's like being mean to your imagination or something.
Anyway… I can't really focus (seriously, I am amazed that this entry is readable at all — I think that having BME servers offline has pumped me full of adrenaline or something so I'm not as out of it as normal) so I'm going to keep my fingers crossed that things stay online long enough here (I've tested three or four locations, and of course of the set, my home connection is performing the worst) for me to get ModBlog updated…
You know, over the past week I think I've probably written dozens of entries, but I read them back to myself and they barely make sense. I know it's not a responsibility to write here or anything but I thought that since I won't remember it I ought to write down that I have been in really surprising and disorienting amounts of physical pain for the past few days, and it's a little overwhelming. I think I've been unintentionally rude to my friends in that time period, and I apologize if that includes you.
I like the stamp on this card a lot.
[to help a future medical search: this is about my knee tumor]
Do you belive a person feels and finds love only once in there in there lifetime…Or excitence on this earth?
FROM: glider@bmezine.com TO: DaveT
Why are you emailing me about this?
FROM: DaveT TO: glider@bmezine.com
I don't fuckyou I'm going to smoke it fuck with my computer or anything in relation to myself you will have problems… thankyou………the second show will being showing at 5:00 am….every show is diffrent… have a goodnight ladies and gentalmen I do
