I haven't slept now in four days. It's bad enough that I haven't really slept much (maybe five hours on average) for the last year, but now I only get occasional five to fifteen minutes bouts of sleep before pain wakes me up and I'm not sure that really counts as sleep? I really hope it's the weather. I can take drugs to stop the pain, and it helps, but I'd rather be manipulated by my own pain than manipulated by drugs that I don't enjoy and may not always be able to obtain if it's a medical condition that will at best get worse over time. Anyway, I guess I'll tell the story of that.
The hospital has been telling me that I have a pre-surgery appointment in a week, and that I'm going to be having surgery the next week, but never confirmed that. Eventually I asked my other doctor to try and find out what's going on. She called me at home and told me that they were only telling me that I was having surgery to make sure I was going to be there for my appointment (because they know I have no interest in anything other than removal — and they even told me before the first surgery that they were only doing it to discover what kind of removal would be done), and that I have been put in the inoperable class. I do not yet know why. Maybe it's a miscommunication.
I don't know if that means that I have nerves running fused to the tumor, so basically taking the tumor out would wreck my leg or something, and if it's left in, constant pain. Neither a very nice option. The part that makes me angry though is that if the initial surgery was just to analyze the tumor (which statistically we pretty much knew was benign), I'd rather not have done it at all, seeing that it's left me with no feeling in half my lower leg, a partially collapsed calf muscle, and increased pain (which may well be psychosomatic due to the large area that now has no feeling). I'm trying very hard not to get really mad about it all until I know for sure what's happening.
Anyway, please don't send me messages about this, and as I've told my friends, all it does is piss me off when I'm asked to talk about it, even if it's to someone with well-meaning concern. I feel very screwed-over by the whole process right now. This is probably the last time I will post about this unless something radically changes, and seriously, I really would appreciate it if I was not messaged about this or asked any further questions about it.
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My sister Ashleigh Larratt (iam:hellisfum) is exactly ten years and two months younger than me. I actually wrote a long rambly entry with lots of private details of our lives (yes, it's deleted now), but the end point was that I think that she's grown to be the most talented artist in this generation of my family. She has the potential to produce amazing things.
She's just entered (late too, so she has to catch up on views) to be on the “On The Lot“, which at the end gives you a million dollar film deal if you win. I don't know if entering an art/experimental film will make it harder for her to get her foot in the door, but click below to view her entry (it's six minutes long, so please click it at a time when you can watch it fully).
Sanctuary
Warning: you might start crying at about three quarters of the way through depending on how emotional you are. Anyway, if you like it, please do take the time to login and rate the film — and if you do like it as much as I do, please do pass it on to friends so they can check it out too. I'd love to see what Ashleigh could produce with a seven-figure budget!
