I haven't slept now in four days. It's bad enough that I haven't really slept much (maybe five hours on average) for the last year, but now I only get occasional five to fifteen minutes bouts of sleep before pain wakes me up and I'm not sure that really counts as sleep? I really hope it's the weather. I can take drugs to stop the pain, and it helps, but I'd rather be manipulated by my own pain than manipulated by drugs that I don't enjoy and may not always be able to obtain if it's a medical condition that will at best get worse over time. Anyway, I guess I'll tell the story of that.
The hospital has been telling me that I have a pre-surgery appointment in a week, and that I'm going to be having surgery the next week, but never confirmed that. Eventually I asked my other doctor to try and find out what's going on. She called me at home and told me that they were only telling me that I was having surgery to make sure I was going to be there for my appointment (because they know I have no interest in anything other than removal — and they even told me before the first surgery that they were only doing it to discover what kind of removal would be done), and that I have been put in the inoperable class. I do not yet know why. Maybe it's a miscommunication.
I don't know if that means that I have nerves running fused to the tumor, so basically taking the tumor out would wreck my leg or something, and if it's left in, constant pain. Neither a very nice option. The part that makes me angry though is that if the initial surgery was just to analyze the tumor (which statistically we pretty much knew was benign), I'd rather not have done it at all, seeing that it's left me with no feeling in half my lower leg, a partially collapsed calf muscle, and increased pain (which may well be psychosomatic due to the large area that now has no feeling). I'm trying very hard not to get really mad about it all until I know for sure what's happening.
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