So to update you on my sleep, this pill I think makes me feel a little more anxious during the day (which I imagine is temporary), but last night I slept from about ten until two, and then on and off until seven. Today I slept from about nine-thirty until four AM, and then on and off until seven. I feel a lot “sharper” mentally that I have for the last week, that's for sure. I've re-cut out caffeine, taurine, and other stimulants as well and am trying to generally ween myself off these things completely (which is also what my doctor wants to do, since he's not really a fan of solving problems with pills either).
Of course, I did also excercise a little yesterday so maybe it's that.
Anyway, I'm going to go do a couple quick things like post the sticker info below on ModBlog and get all the computers ready for Phil, then make a mix CD or two to listen to in the car.
That picture was taken about where we're headed. I haven't been in a couple years so I think I'll print out a map just to be safe and mark my favorite beaches on it so I don't get lost!
Other than that, here are a few quick links:
I think they're all stolen from boingboing.
Oh, how far we've come in ten years.
It's crazy — BME turns
twelve later this year and then enters its thirteenth year. I'd wager at this point that for a significant percentage of BME readers, BME has existed for all of their lives (say you start browsing the internet at age six, then if you're 18 or younger, BME existed when you first got onto the Internet). I wonder what person I'd have turned out to be if I'd had access to similar resources (the only hands-on information I had was from books on how the Masaii did their ear cutting).
I really miss the days when modification was still a mystery, and we were still figuring out what would work and what wouldn't, and every few weeks we'd see something new come out of the shadows… It feels much more stable and defined these days, which is strange and not quite right. Body modification should be a little wild, and a little “off”. It's part of what makes it fun I think.
Perhaps the “need for exploration” is why I want to replace this removed uvula piercing with a pair of soft palette piercings (ie. up through the soft part of the roof of the mouth — just have to figure out the logistics). Well, today I think I have to do a nice big BME/video update!
I watched Waking Life today. I found it deeply upsetting and probably won't watch it again. I thought it was good though. As people who've read this diary know, since an overdose about fifteen years ago I haven't been able to shake the feeling that everything that I am experiencing is going on in that last moment as I'm overdosing. As time goes by, and I lose more and more of my memory, it becomes even more upsetting and “real”. I can compensate for the growing holes because I'm a pretty bright guy, but I do wonder sometimes if I'll eventually hit a threshold where I'm no longer able to meaningfully understand or communicate with the outside world.
Seriously though, I wish I could explain what it's like to live without memory and without a sense of time — for example, as I'll note later in the entry, I cut my facial hair off today and wrote a brief paragraph about the winter weather. Yeah, I know it's not winter. But I only know because I can look out my window. If I didn't look out my window, I'd have no idea what time of year it is let alone where I am (although I'm sure I could eventually deduce it by slowly trying to unravel recent events). Well, anyway, like I said, I cut it off again, but it keeps growing back.
But I wonder… am I changing as a person as I lose bits of myself, or does it make me more pure, or is it just a thick layer of mud that somehow I can't see and can't shake? Sometimes I think to myself that all I need in life is for someone to tell me that I'm real, hold on to me, and somehow, suddenly, reality will feel real again and I'll wake up and feel a crispness in life, like the way the air feels different on a cold, windless day over fresh snow… But I doubt it's that simple.
I'm going to try and make it an early night tonight. I can't get myself — no matter how tired I am or how many sleeping pills I take — to sleep a full night. I think the most sleep I've gotten this year is about five hours at a time, and I'm fairly certain that I'm getting less as time goes by. I think maybe if I knock myself out early, even if I wake up at four or five in the morning as the sun rises I'll get a little more sleep… I just hope I don't wake up at 2AM and then can't get back to sleep.
I borrowed Jon's camera to take a couple pictures of myself cutting out my uvula piercing. It had almost rejected, but there was still enough tissue that it couldn't be torn out. Since I didn't want to swallow (or aspirate) it in my sleep, I used a pair of mosquito forceps and a kitchen knife to do a little home surgery. A quick bit of pain (really minor) and it was out. Mind the plaque. I knew I was cutting it out so I didn't stress brushing the jewelry.
Oh yeah, don't try this at home.
And if you do, don't be kitchen-knife-oldschool about it unless you are kitchen-knife-oldschool in age.
Besides that, I've got my development environment totally running on the new internal test server and am starting to process huge amounts of data (mostly trying to auto-generate keywords and locations and so on to try and seed a dataset with something more useful).
Anyway, back to that. I'm keeping fairly strict work hours right now.
Spent today cleaning up the office with Phil's help, and installed Server 2003 on this jet fighter (because it's fans are so damn loud we're going to need noise cancelling headphones to work) of a developmemt server. It's working now on our internal network serving files, so tomorrow the work begins. I have a little fun project I'm going to tackle first, then the big one!
Other than that, I keep seeing things on TV that I want to share either here or on
ModBlog so I finally got around to installing the capture device I picked up about a month ago, only to discover that the sticker with the serial number is not in the package! So the software won't install! Now I have to send
Pinnacle a picture of me holding the physical product or something, but I've misplaced my camera! Arrrgh!
