Fortune cookies

Monday, February 10, 2003

Got this a few days ago at Ryan and Corrie's.
I believe the expression is “no shit, Sherlock!”

The plane takes off in about 26 hours from now.

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February 10th

Monday, February 10, 2003

Today I guess I make sure everything's ready for the trip. The to-do list is pretty short at this point; I just have to send model releases to Patrick, print out all needed info (phone numbers, contact info, etc.), make sure all my video batteries are charged, finish packing, and get my glasses fixed.

Yesterday I wrote the manual for IAM maintenance and BME contingency handling, and the updating software is complete… So in theory war can break out and if I'm stranded in the UK for a month, updates could still occur without major difficulty!

So even though North Korea continues to threaten to nuke just about everybody if the US attacks it, the US is now threatening it with a naval blockade. Again, contrary to what most people believe, North Korea is not a tropical paradise — it's damn cold, and people are freezing and starving. A naval blockade serves one primary purpose: it means those people can't get the supplies they need to survive. This is the US in effect threatening to kill the civilians of that nation because they don't like the government's actions — making them no better than petty terrorists.

Even though Blix says the inspections in Iraq are going well and the situation is improving, after Powell's ridiculous smoke and mirrors evidence (“smoking gun” gun you say?), Bush says he's lost patience with the process and that it's time to git bombing! So, the poorer countries in the UN are getting bribes in exchange for their “support”, and Rumsfield blames France and Germany for the war because they want to increase the size (and effectiveness) of the inspections teams.

Someone please explain this logic:

USA: We're sick of inspections. War begins now!
France/Germany: The inspections are going well, let's do more.
USA: Good going, now the war is YOUR fault!

That's got to be one of the more impressive pieces of doublethink I've seen in a while. By being part of the anti-war movement, you are the cause of war. I wonder — with so many Christian religious leaders vehemently opposed to this war, including the Pope, what do avowed Christians like Ashcroft think? No secret there — Ashcroft's main concern is more domestic spying and less judicial review!

And how can Ashcroft achieve what he wants? After all, the American people won't just bend over for these laws, will they? They need to be scared into it, and maybe that's where his support for the war comes from — after all, a war on Iraq may well bring a second front of terrorism onto the American people, giving Ashcroft all the ammunition he needs to eliminate civil rights and freedoms altogether.

The fact is that the US government desires not only war, but terrorism.

Their actions over the past fifteen years absolutely prove that.

Well, not the whole government of course — just the shadow government of the corporate nation that's already seized control of the US. There are three bills in Congress intending to repeal this war (not that you'd know it) put forward by presumably decent people who also happen to be politicians.

On a slightly unrelated government note, a week ago I mentioned the Republican involvement in tainted voting machines, now check out their latest scam: hiring telemarketing companies to block the phone lines of Democratic offices that did things like give people rides to polling stations on voting day… Does that mean that the Republican party does not support democracy? (Not that I think it means anything other than “they got the idea first”).

Well, the US economy continues to crash, and the Iraqi economy actually shows signs of improvement… What a strange and horrible world this can be…!

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Franko's back

Sunday, February 9, 2003

Yes, I know I'm probably going to hell for this, but when people try and screw me over by sending in some tired old picture that's been floating around the net for seven years (the first time it was posted to BME), it wastes my time. And I reserve the right to waste their time in return. Some recent “accepted submissions” that were processed by Franko:

1.

Thank you so much for sending in your picture. It has been processed, and will be added to the site shortly. In order for you to retrieve your password, you will need to yell "BME" at both the rising and setting sun for seven days. On the seventh night, which must coincide with the full moon, you must perform another piercing (and photograph it) at exactly the stroke of midnight.

At that point, Lord Murugan will appear to you and bestow the password unto you.

I'm sorry if this seems strange, but it is the only way we can be sure that God wants you to see the site.

Franko
Ministry of Truth

2.

Thank you for sending in your pictures. The site could not continue to grow without people such as yourself submitting pictures of themselves.

Your account has been processed and your password is ready to be mailed to you (email is not secure). You should expect to receive it in two to four weeks*. Thank you for your support,

Franko
Customer Service

* Note: if you did not include your mailing address, no password will be sent. Please contact me if you forgot to include your mailing address.

3.

Thank you so much for sending in a picture of yourself and your friend. I have emailed your account details to bmetest@hotmail.com

For legal reasons, we can only offer passwords to those who are "True American Patriots". Details on retrieving your password may be found at https://www.whitehouse.org/

Franko
Customer Relations

4.

Esyay, eway owknay -- ankthay ouyay! Ouyay ouldshay avehay eceivedray ourway instructionsway onway etrievingray ouryay asswordpay inway away eviouspray emailway. Ifway ouyay avehay ifficultyday iguringfay itway outway, aymay eway umblyhay uggestsay atthay ouyay areway arfay otay upidstay otay useway ethay itesay.

Ithoutway ethay elphay ofway inefay olksfay uchsay asway ourselfyay endingsay inway eirthay icturespay, ethay itesay ouldcay otnay owgray. Ankthay ouyay againway.

Franko Derb
Customer Service

The last two were to folks who sent in pics of CT and goddam, and the first two were well-known female genital pictures — and they'd even gone to the effort to write a short fake experience to go with them! …Which actually makes them easier to catch, because they usually screw up the details and misname the anatomy. Seriously, it's kind of pathetic to not even know the names of the anatomy you're trying to jerk off over!

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On eating…

Sunday, February 9, 2003

I've seen a couple people mention not having enough money to eat, eating every-other-day, and so on, in relation to the IAM-pay issue. I eat for about $3 CDN a day most of the time (about $2 US). One of the many ways that “the poor” get screwed over is by getting nickel-and-dimed to death.

For example, some people have said “I can't afford to pay $10 all at once; can I just pay a dollar a week or something?” — to institute such a policy would turn me, in effect, into a loan shark, charging people more when they have less. The furniture and appliance leasing companies pull the same scam. Buy the piece of furniture for $1000 and own it for 20 years ($50 a year), or pay $1 a day to rent it ($365 a year).

Anyway, one of the scams that the food industry pulls on the impoverished is not placing decent grocery stores in their neighborhoods, but instead placing convenience stores and fast-food stores. At first glance it might seem cheaper to eat a burger every two days, or eat a bag of chips when you've saved up a dollar, but when you do that you are actually getting very little value for your investment.

The meal below cost me about a dollar to a dollar-fifty to make, and it was giant — totally filling, and totally yummy (clearly not everyone will agree, but it's easy to shift the ingredients to something you like): a can of mixed beans, a bunch of houmous (easy to make for very little), some lime juice, some oil, vinegar, spices (wasabi, cayenne, pepper, salt), and a couple tortillas. Add some fresh veggies if you want. It's really easy.

Soups are easy to do as well, for basically no money. Want a nice leek soup? Chop up and cook some leek, toss in a couple potatoes and some water, and about an hour later when it's ready, put in a little parsley and a touch of soy sauce. Easy, cheap, and tasty. Want a nice flatbread for the bean concoction you made? Flour and water. Make a ball. Flatten it. Fry it. It's really that easy.

I'm not a chef. I'm not even a particularly good cook… But the fact is, it's cheap to eat well, and almost all of the basic staples you need can be produced at home with minimal time investment for a fraction of what you'd pay in a store. Not only that, but cooking for yourself is dramatically more healthy, so don't be surprised when you find yourself slimmer and fitter as well as richer.

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Some recent emails

Sunday, February 9, 2003

This letter is not actually from a parent who was looking out for their child and pre-screening, as far as I can tell this is from a parent that spied on their daughter's email, then logged into her account and deleted it…. Although from the style of writing, I am half convinced its from crazy Whitestar (a former member who was removed from the pregnancy forum for causing disruptions, and then took to attacking the pregnant women there in the most hateful ways possible).

From: "irockhard"
Subject: Experts advice

Dear IAM@bmezine.com.

I have been cruising your pages, at BME and IAM - well the ones that I could get access to, which was yours. My daughter wanted to become a member of IAM, and as you suggested, I looked over the site (BME and the community chat) on her behalf. I have a few questions:

1. Do you pay experts for the advice that you proffer on your site, or is it submit as you feel, whether the contributors are qualified or not?

2. Who is your advising medical practitioner for this advice if in fact you have one, or is it your misinterpretation of hastily researched information that graces the "risks" sections of your site?

3. How many of these "doctors" like Steve Hawath are actually doctors? We saw him on Ripley's the other day, and just wondered how an unqualified person like himself can actually practice this type of stuff without certification?

The skin is being cut, sutured.

Alot of the content you show is pretty dangerous and your encouragement of these practices is downright negligent, considering the age range of persons who use your site - my daughter is 16.

You are obviously quite the egoist to compare yourself to Ghandi in what could only be an explanation of your life? Have you been laughed at, and are you winning now? I suspect you are still being laughed at - in fact I know you are.

My daughter will not be joining your site, as the restrictions to content are not to my liking. You need to have a WARNING that is highly visible, in preference to it being hidden behind a link that really doesn't indicate legalities lay behind. I believe this warning should come up before each offending image, and you have not managed to secure your site in this manner.

My daughter can pierce and colour herself as much as she wants, but I don't believe that your site is a positive place for her. It seems to be full of under-age whining American and Canadian loser children (saw some more at a friend's house today, after not being satiated with only your page for comment) with not much clue to the world, or to who they are. My daughter is better without this type of person also.

Why do you encourage your site users to have harsher and harsher body modifications carried out on themselves? Is it that you have nothing left of your own to modify. How's about you chop your dick off?

I don't see any safety here. If I had the power, I would ensure that your grotty little effort was closed down, but the net is a free place (not so on your site though - my friend's daughter got an automated message, due to saying something about nothing she was referring to - SOME robot wrote it to her.You need to check your filters or something. There is nothing wrong with the word homosexual. Surely you are open enough to understand that?) - so I just thought that I would let you know you lost two customers today - perhaps you shouldn't bother telling the children you service to ask their parents to cruise around with them on your site. Surely even you can understand that this sort of stuff is not mainstream, and any parent worth their salt would not want their child encouraged into the world you live in.

Now, I suggest YOU unplug your computer and throw it out the window - your site is useless.

Perturbed Mother.

The kicker is that it only takes a few crazy parents freaking out and IAM gets shut down. Child endangerment laws are very aggressive, and if parents wanted to, I don't think it would be difficult to force me to remove every underage user… I'm taking steps to make IAM legally untouchable, but nothing is foolproof. Anyway, here's a recent message I got to BME/Risks, regarding melanoma:

Regarding: Melanoma

Comment:
it sucks!!!! FUCK ALL MEN!!!! that's dope...it's absurd!!!! wut the hell do u think of ur fucking selves?????

This next email is from a guy who's tattoo experience was turned down because pretty much every word was misspelled, including tattoo, and little to no effort had been made to be coherent. In all seriousness, it was one of the worst experiences submitted in that timeperiod:

From: "Billy S"
Subject: Re: My tatoo!

OMG you guys are such losrers! Thats ok I've got better things to do than write an 800 word "experience" to you people, and by the way, I'm a DAMN good writer , and I will be a journalist someday!

This is from a fan in France:

From: "phil" ***@free.fr
Subject: Crazy ..

Hello .
Not a long registraded user , but fan since 1999 .
I like the Bonus Gallerie . But too much guys nows .. And they ' re crazy ...
Too much blood . Too much crazy men . Not as many women as before . Nothing erotic in their stupid ( poor ) splited coks .

I think just a minority can be excited with this .. Most are ....... Stupid maso , even not erotics .
I don t know the worlds in English .
Just thx Misty and Christine ..

Phil

It's weird; it's fine by me if people file complaints/recommendations, but I'm surprised people don't realize that if you want to get your way, it's best if you're polite. I continue to get mail for the late “No Hand”:

From: "ICE_QUEEN"
Subject: for no hand

personally i think your a sad individual . who needs to get a life and stop using this as an excuse for ppl to take interest in you. shame they cant amputate your head and do us all a favour. i watched as afriend went through agony with a 3 year old boy with cancer , how doctor did pioneering surgery on his hand and arm to save it by taking veins tendons etc from elsewhere in his body , and how they succeeded wonderfully , and there are sad lame fucks like you out there willingly doing this to yourself. well i hope you make your parents proud they mustve wanted to bring someone into the world whos gonna take himself out of it bit by bit. at least with tattoing there is a degree of change yes but its accentuating parts by making them stand out .this is pathetic attention seeking.

I got this next email from a guy who was deleted for going around to various people's forums he didn't know and signing them “I hope you die” and telling people (again, that he didn't even know) the world would be a better place if they killed themselves, and so on. Anyway, he emailed me asking why he was deleted, and I'd replied, “you know EXACTLY why you were deleted”.

From: joseph f
Subject: Re: WHAT THE FUCK?

no I don't.could it be for the same things that your militant straight edge friends do to anyone whos not like them?yeah I'm sure of it.and no warning of it either?your fuckin bullshit.

Well, that's the closest I could get to a “funmail”. Sorry it's not more “fun”… Most of the mail I've been getting lately is just really hateful and vicious. This is actually the lighter end of it… Most of it is so fucked up and full of rage I don't want to even print it here because I know it's going to hurt the people reading it.

Those of us that are interested in heavy modification forget sometimes that the world is still a very very long way from accepting these practises. Because of the high media visibility, we're entering a phase of enormous backlash. It's not going to be fun for the next couple of years in some ways.

A number of us have been prosecuted.

A number are currently being prosecuted.

It will still get worse before it gets better.

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