Gotta love AOL, source of all funmail

To: ****@aol.com
From: Frank O'Derby <franko@bmezine.com>
Subject: NEED T SEE PIC

At 10/10/2003 07:54 PM -0400, you wrote:
>I NEED TO SEE A PICTURE OF YOSIMITI SAM
>HOLDING 2 GUNS UP

HELL YEAH ME TOO I LOVE THAT DUDE HE'S A BIG RED-HAIRED GUNS-A-TOOTIN ASS KICKER!

LET ME KNOW IF YOU FIND A PICTURE!

FRANK O

Road trip!

Rachel and I went for a road trip today…


Sitting on the beach under an apple tree. The tree's apples fell down onto the beach, and must have washed off to many far shores. Walking out onto a rock plateau. Giant plates of limestone step down into these old smuggling coves. I call this photo “dead duck”. If you zoom in, the reason will be obvious. The beach was covered in dying butterflies. Their wings were dry and broken. They just flipped around hopelessly.
Vultures gather near 'cattle rock', a major site for yearly occult animal sacrifices. I'm actually not kidding. On a sandy beach. I was online here! The future is wireless, and it's everywhere. The beach was carpeted in millions of tiny seashells. Near where Scott and Todd drowned. There is a strong undertow here.

I mean no offense, but…

…why is it that people who watch Fox News as their primary source are fundamentally dumber than the rest of America (more)? The following poll was conducted by PIPA (and for those reading this that do watch Fox, even the US government has admitted that there are no such connections):

Now, please consider reading this… If you like that, read this.

Franko

These funmails aren't particularly inspired (thus no replies), so I apologize for that. Anyway, this first one is to “matfli” in Germany, who sent in some well-known stolen pictures from PFIQ and from Creative Art Collective:

>I'd rather send in some pictures.
>mfg
>tat2fly

Thank you so much for sending in your pictures. I'm not sure what city in Germany you are in, so I am unable to contact you directly. I have instructed our operatives to place your password in a small orange cannister. It has been placed into the sidewalk stream in Freiburg and will be floating there for the next 72 hours. After that it will be fired in a rocket toward Liel, where you can find it in a RED cannister located at the West end of town assuming our targetting is accurate.

Enjoy the site, and thank you again for sending in your photos,

Frank O'Derby
Department of Members

PS. More information concerning this matter can be found at www.freiburg.de

Diego from Argentina forgot to remove the GooGirls logo when he sent in “his” photos:

>hola..
>diego

Thank you so much for sending in these photos of your piercings. Without people like you sending in photos of themselves, the site could not survive.

As a thank you, we have created a membership in your name and donated it to cancer victims in Fiji. I'm sure you must be very happy about this.

Enjoy your membership,

Frank O'Derby
Department of Donations

Finally, this one is from our buddy “Crusayder” who sent various pix stolen from BME and elsewhere, also in Germany (almost all the stolen pictures I get come from France and Germany, with a much smaller percentage coming out of South America and eastern Europe):

>Hi people,
>i send u some gooood stuff....
>poease send me my free password now!!!

You sure did, thank you so much for sending in these photos of yourself and your wife. Without good couples such as yourself, the site wouldn't get any photos.

As a special thank you, I have instructed our operatives to capture a small cat or dog at the local park. This animal will be tattooed with your username and password. After three days of rituals the creature will be skinned. A small carpet, suitable for a 1/30th scale home, will be made from this and mailed to the German Embassy in Baghdad, Iraq where you can retrieve it and the password tattooed on it.

Thank you again for sending in your photos,

Frank O'Derby
Department of Small Animals

PS. If you have any concerns about this, please contact our headquarters in Tikrit and ask for Shannam.

It's definitely an emergency

I have a theory that states that if I deface everything I own — plaster my computers with dumbass stickers and so on — that no one will ever steal them. I lived in downtown Toronto for ten years and never locked my doors, even when I was out of town for extended periods. What, you thought that segment in Bowling for Columbine was kidding? That was my neighborhood. Thanks to those of you who send me stickers from time to time. I do put them to good use.