First of all, by request I have posted some of my last remaining ModCon books to Etsy. These are the original prints, not the second edition ones printed through Etsy. You can grab them via my Etsy store, or click the thumbnails to jump right to their pages. I have more copies than I’ve listed (five) but not many more. No idea how many people there still are that want a copy that don’t already have one (or the free PDF, which you can download from the link in the sidebar), but here you go:
To catch the eye… MODCON BOOKS AVAILABLE AGAIN!!!
Speaking of books, I just got an email from Lulu that all eleven volumes of my blog have been printed and shipped, so I should have them at the start of the week. I’m quite happy with how quickly that went, and it’s nice to have a very significant step in my project to permanently archive my digital life in the physical world complete. I’ll post the PDF files and upload them to various services soon as well, to enhance the chances even more of the survival of this information.
For the last few days I’ve been going through my huge collection of personal digital photos, which on this computer is about 40,000 photos, so it’s a large and time consuming project. The plan is to take them and build a series of photo albums. I just looked at a friend’s similar project but much smaller project encompassing the first year of their child’s life. Given how easy it is to lose digital photos — although with the advent of the cloud at least there are viable protective backup insurance schemes — I am surprised more people don’t make photo albums. Maybe with all the services that make it easy these days that will change. Personally I know I far prefer the experience of paging through a photo album than looking at them on a computer screen.
That said, it has been enormously personally difficult to do this. I can’t begin to explain how heartbreaking it is for me to see how happy I used to be, how much I was capable of, all the fun I had with my friends and family, and how strong and healthy I was. I guess it’s like aging prematurely at an abusively accelerated pace. Flipping through photos — flipping through time — I can’t live in the moment and just deal with how I feel right now and just survive another minute. I have to have it spit in my face how much worse things have gotten. The last thing I need is to be reminded how little I want to keep doing this, to say nothing of how much everyone around me gets their life drained because of my illness, how hard it is on Caitlin and Nefarious most of all. There are many times that I think that after the mourning wore off, they would be much better without me although I know they would protest the untruth of that statement and maybe even believe it consciously right now. I am reminded of my grandmother telling me how much happier and free she was after my grandfather decided to die. That doesn’t belittle the life they had, it simply accepted that it’s value not only ended before his heart stopped beating but that the negative sphere of influence affected more than just him, which I think is not entirely uncommon. On one hand I have so much that I want to do and see, but on the other hand, I’ve endured more than any person should be asked to endure. Every day for the last last ten years things have gotten worse, and every day for the last three years, things have gotten a lot worse, and there hasn’t been a single bit of meaningful help or hope from the medical community even though some of them have tried very hard. And the fact that the disease kills slowly is perhaps its cruelest aspect. In any case, as important as this archival task is for me, it is one of the most difficult tasks that I’ve undertaken, because it takes away one of my biggest defense mechanisms — the ability to live in the moment, day by day, and accept that I can survive another minute without considering with objectivity how the experience compares to some semblance of an acceptable quality of life.
But I really do have a lot of stuff to do!!!