Shannon Larratt is Zentastic

So I'm driving back from picking up DVD-R's from Ryan and I pass a cop going the other way. Big surprise, even thought I'm totally within the law, he does a u-turn, flips on his cherries, and I pull over. As you can tell, I'm having a bad day and I'm already angry. He comes up to the window, opens his mouth, but before he can say anything I loudly interrupt, “TELL ME WHY YOU PULLED ME OVER”. “You seemed to be going awefully fast.”

“I wasn't speeding. This is a $150,000 Porsche. It probably always looks fast to you.”

“You went around that corner really fast.”

“I went around that corner at 80. Again, it's a Porsche. I don't have to slow down for corners if I don't feel like it.”

“You really looked like you were going fast.”

“Look, I told you how fast I was going. Either show me the radar reading or let me leave.”

“I didn't get you on the radar… I was just saying you looked kind of fast…
Give me your license, ownership, and insurance.”

Now, I had the ownership, but my license is incomplete, and I have no insurance paperwork. The post office refused to deliver them, even though I had the complete and correct address information — they said “we need to know who's having an affair with who” or some other stupid excuse for what they did. Anyway, I handed him what I had and told him that if didn't like it, he could take it up with the post office which seemed more concerned with small-town gossip than they did with delivering the mail.

He complained that I hadn't signed something or other on my license. “That's a $110 ticket,” he said to me.

“Do what you have to do.”

So then, like always, he took my paperwork to his car and ran me through the computer. A few minutes later he returned — presumably after guessing at my financial status from the list of cars that show up under my name (keep in mind I look like some dirtbag that stole the Porsche — I wasn't even wearing shoes). Anyway, he apologized profusely and tried to make smalltalk. I asked him if we were done, and then tore off, making sure to keep the engine at high RPMs.

Fuck any cop that pulls me over because he thinks the car I'm in is too good for me.

It's funny — first everyone demands that weapons inspectors go into Iraq. America says, “If you don't let inspectors in, we'll invade.” But, now that Iraq has unconditionally surrendered to inspections, the US has said that not only are they still attacking, but they will block any weapons inspections from happening — after all, when the inspections happen, they will show that the US is effectively attacking an unarmed foe. Considering that Congress has now estimated the bill for the attacks at $300 billion, that means the average taxpayer is going to have to commit to something like $2000 in additional debt, just to make a bunch of evil men a little richer (so they have to keep the general population scared).

Osama bin Laden has won the war. He has absolutely destabilized the US economy, he has demoralized the American people to the point where they will give up every liberty their country was founded on, he has radicalized the Muslim population, he has shown the world that the US is a rogue state, and now he's tricked us into attacking one of his enemies — Saddam Hussein. Not that any of it matters; we're sitting on the edge of an iceage right now. More and more respected climatologists are starting to warn that we may see dramatic climate change within the next ten years. Not 40,000 years. TEN years.

Do I need to move to Mexico?

American presidents have always lied in order to start wars. Since the civil war, the US has never started an ethical war. Honestly, it's essential that you look over this article. If you read any of the links today, read this one. I know it's hard to remember last year, but how can you not feel like we're living in a “perpetual war for perpetual peace” world right now — are we at war with Eurasia this year, or is it with Eastasia? Fuck it, I'm moving to Pluto. (In all seriousness, if mankind has a future, that future is in space).

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And now it's time to get back to work on the scrapbook. It's starting to beef up nicely. Speaking of beef, Rachel picked up some fake ground beef for me yesterday so I think I get to have tacos today, something I most definitely miss not eating meat.

I've been diligently working on the scrapbook all day — I have to admit though that it's more work than I figured (there are about 300 still unprocessed emails in that folder). I've only done 120 or so page books in the past… This beast is almost 400 pages, and it's actually going to be hard to cram it all in. It's got a real weird Subgenius-like quality to it too… Very surreal. I have no idea if it's going to all be one big in joke that we will get a kick out of, or if it's a legit historical record. It's certainly fun either way.

Note that the screenshots above show some uncompleted pages as well as a few completed ones. I should mention that if you want to be in the scrapbook, you still have about two and a half weeks to send in photos and/or text. Submissions should be emailed to scraps@bmezine.com. The deadline has not yet passed! All languages and subject matter are welcome. Thanks!