I know I always say, “sorry for not posting,” even though I know it's not something I have to do, but sorry for not posting. I have two new pains in my leg that are fairly constant, a sort of a dull pain that starts in the tumor or the knee and extends down my shin inside the bone, and then a pain that feels like it's in the tendon above the tumor, but if I move the tendon, it seems like it's below it, so I'm thinking it's actually a phantom pain because I can't really physically locate it or touch it. But they both suck a lot because I haven't yet figured out how to change them so I can't move my leg around to stop it. I guess though that it's probably obvious if I'm struggling to post that I'm struggling offline.
I have sort of a sick fascination with reading all these stories about suicide that are in the news all the time. I think I read those stories, and stuff about breath-holding, pain control, and so on, because I'm very interested in people's breaking points (and my own — obviously if you deal with even minor constant discomfort, your brain does occasionally run over “easy” ways out). Like the guy who killed himself on a webcam after a car accident and divorce, a story about why smart people are unhappy, how acne increases suicide rates, female soldiers in Iraq committing suicide to avoid rape, and on and on and on. I worry that suicide rates are going to spike over the next fifteen years, as the self-worth bubble bursts, I think we'll see a lot of people who've backed themselves into corners emotionally and otherwise, and I'm not really sure that there will be a good result for most people when you combine that with the sort of narcissistic nihilism that covers Western society.
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