Shannon Larratt is Zentastic

I don't like funerals as a general statement. Outside of not liking them emotionally, in general terms I find the process of corpse disposal offensive — the idea of spending tens of thousands of dollars, as well as valuable realestate, on a corpse, seems completely idiotic (as does pouring the equivalent of 320 gallons of fuel on someone to cremate them — which incidentally makes up 0.2% of all CO₂ emmissions on the planet and aerates many other toxic chemicals). But, even atheists do this nonsensical and destructive religious act, in part because the government forces it.

Here's what I want for my funeral.

I want to get stuck in a freezer so I'm completely frozen solid all the way through. Then there's to be a big party in a forest, at the height of which my frozen corpse gets chucked in the wood chipper and I'm sprayed into the forest, where I'll be directly reabsorbed into the latticework of life on this planet. The bacteria in my body that make me who I am will go on living in other animals, and to a small extent I stay immortal… Much better than being embalmed (filled with poison) and placed in a sealed box to ensure that whatever miniscule part of me is left alive will not transition from life to death to life as has happened seamlessly until very recent human history.

Too bad it's illegal to be a part of nature.

Anyway, speaking of funerals, what I dislike more than the concept of funerals is the legal protections that specific forms of funerary practices receive. What I've described above (and even milder variations on it like getting buried on your family farm) would be very illegal in most areas. However, if some rich dude dies, the police escort a huge procession that shuts down taxpayer streets, runs red lights, and so on. Yesterday I was driving down the street and a suited woman stepped out into the street with a big stop sign, in front of the funeral home that always has its hearse parked illegally in front all the time. Oh, speaking of driving:

My truck got towed last week, but their hearse doesn't get towed. What, I transport a living three year old to school, and that's less important than transporting a dead eighty year old guy to get tossed in a hole in the ground???

So anyway, this woman steps in front of me with a big stop sign, literally trying to stop all traffic so their stupid hearse and support vehicles could all leave at the exact moment they felt like it. Fuck that. So I just kept going. I may have even sped up a little. She had to jump out of the street. Seriously, I have no patience for people who think they have special rights to use resources we all pay for (like the roads). That means if you're a hearse, you'd better respect cars, and if you're a car, you'd better respect bikes.

Seriously, next time I see that hearse parked illegally blocking rush hour traffic I'm going to hook my winch up to it and drag it down the street and dump it in the lake.