Shannon Larratt is Zentastic

Yesterday was a pretty messed up day for me. I actually had to have Marty drive me to my appointment because I was too disoriented and having too many seizures to feel safe driving. It was pretty hard to hold myself together emotionally through it, a few times I almost broke down sobbing because of not being able to understand what people were saying or what was going on around me, or even have my body do what I wanted it to do… It's very upsetting to me when my ability to control my brain and body decays to that level. I still went to the gym, but I couldn't control even basic motions or understand most of the words my trainer was using, so I think it was a bit of a waste of time because of it. That said, I hate breaking a schedule.

Thankfully I got a little more sleep than usual last night; maybe about four hours (I think I would have gotten more but I forgot to turn off my phone again and that woke me up). I feel a bit more lucid, and definitely a lot less shaky, but still have a really unpleasant gut feeling because of it. But things make a little more sense today I think.

I'm supposed to make an appointment for an annual physical. My doctor didn't think it was normal that I was losing a few pounds a day… I've compensated by eating mountains of food, but I can barely eat enough to maintain my weight. For the first time in my life I can see all of my ribs, from the bottom of my ribcage on up to the collar, which is pretty fucked up. It's funny, when you're fat (I was about 260), you don't like the way you look and you envy people who are thinner, but given the choice of the two, I definitely prefer fatter if those were my only two choices (luckily they're not). Anyway, I think it's just a combination of drug withdrawal symptoms, and my body adjusting to being more active. So I'm not terribly worried about it, but I imagine the physical is good advice.

Assuming I can hold myself together today (and I think I can), I have a couple business tasks to do, and will try and do a ton of BMEvideo uploads as well because I've taken far too long to get those posted. They're all ready to go now at least.

That's some graffiti near my house. It's on a wall that can't be seen from barely anywhere, and is covered in trees so even if you're next to it it's hard to see. I like that. It reminds me of the sculptures on the top of gothic cathedrals that can only be seen from the air… Enormous effort went into creating art that would never be seen by humans, with the reasoning that it would only be seen by God, for whom it was created — which even without the existence of God, I appreciate on a philosophical level.