Apparently I was using my computer last night and have zero memory of doing so. At least when blackouts involve blogging there's a record thereof… maybe that's not a good thing, I don't know. It is a little disturbing to come to one's page in the morning and see something like that.
In a bid to end this current wave of madness and get some much needed rest I tried going to sleep in a different bed in a different room. As feared, by 3 AM I was awake. I tried switching beds… Just lay there thinking about algorithms that might pull something meaningful out of pi, but no sleep came even though I know I need it more and more every day.
| I don't even feel it But lord how I need it When I'm not with her I'm not all myself Sometimes have my breakfast right Off of a mirror And sometimes I have it Right out of a bottle |
To pass the time I listened to a few old CDs and it's a little disconcerting how similar my life is to any given Spiritualized album. One of the things that I don't like about being in Mexico is the lack of pot. I think it pushes me to want alternate medications. It's not that marijuana isn't here — I could get it easily — it's that it's very illegal and I promised Rachel I wouldn't break that law. But I can legally get oxycodone pills and every day I struggle not to crush them into powder, dissolve them, and push that sweet medicine into my veins and feel it run down my spine.
Anyway, I feel like my page here is becoming a bit of a trainwreck, something that people read not because they enjoy it or have some respect for my writing or ideas, but because there's a sick, morbid fascination with watching me crumble... like some sort of non-famous Britney Spears gossip...
Rachel will be back later today. I think I will feel better then and she'll put the pieces back together.
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