Funmail time

Here's a sort of funny set of emails I got recently. I'm sure that Ron will appreciate it since probably the same guys (some idiots living in Nashville, although I doubt they know I know that) have been emailing him as well. I suppose I could just report him, since sending threats across state lines is a felony, but I really couldn't care less:

X-Originating-IP: []
From: "Bill Bush" <>
Subject: is it real
Date: Thu, 31 Oct 2002 14:07:41 -0600

jason price said your stuff is all fake,is this true?

For those that don't know who Jason price is, he's “mrmodifier” on the forums. He's known there for posting streams of hateful, ignorant, and generally oblivious messages. I'd sent him a private message telling him (quite politely) some dos and don'ts of online communication, and then the next day he started posting about how much he hated BME. Anyway, this was my reply:

Jason Price apparently says a lot of stuff.
Of course it's not fake, only an idiot or someone with a real big chip on their shoulder would say that.

Not surprisingly (I'm sure you can figure out who's sending the messages), I almost immediately get back the following reply (I've tried to include his text formatting as closely as possible):

X-Originating-IP: []
From: "Bill Bush" <>
Subject: Re: is it real
Date: Thu, 31 Oct 2002 14:28:59 -0600


That's quite a hostile response, isn't it? So I say,

Well, it's clear that you're a person of quality. Glad to hear a genius like you owns two shops, I'm sure you really care about your customers.

The part that cracks me up is when people use “fag” as an insult. Do they really think I could care less if people think I'm gay? Given that it's pretty clear that I have no problem with homosexuality, it's sort of like saying “You have a Hitachi TV! I bet you like watching movies you sick fuck!” or something like that…

X-Originating-IP: []
From: "Bill Bush" <>
Subject: Re: is it real
Date: Thu, 31 Oct 2002 14:40:19 -0600


You have to love it when someone can't even keep their insults straight.

If I'm a “fag” then I'd be fucking old men.
Get your insults straight Einstein.

What was your purpose in writing me? Was it just to make a fool of yourself?
Oh wait, no, you're too much of a coward to tell me who you really are.

OK, this is starting to get boring… On the forums, people got bored of talking to mrmodifier pretty fast because he just repeats the same tired old insults over and over, without really responding to what you say. It's like talking to a toaster. Yeah, it pretty consistently throws burnt toast at you, but it doesn't really say anything intelligent, and you can't really have a conversation of any value with it.

X-Originating-IP: []
From: "Bill Bush" <>
Subject: Re: is it real
Date: Thu, 31 Oct 2002 18:15:17 -0600

hay bitch,canadins are fags,when (our)group get our hands on you einstien wont be able to help you you have about a month till we meet fucking fag,i cant wait,you fags talk shit on the net see you pretty soon fag…………….

Ah, a threat. Now it's getting funny at least. I'm assuming that he thinks I'm going to SusCon 2002 Dallas (I wish I was, but I'm not). But threatening people or groups coming to the convention for no apparent reason (I literally got the first email out of the blue) probably isn't the best way to ingratiate yourself with the suspension community or with the event hosts. In any case, my reply:

Ooooh! Are you going to beat me up? Put a cap in my ass?

You don't even have the bravery to tell me who you are. You're just a little kid shaking behind an anonymous email account. You know who I am — I'm not afraid to say my name. Too bad you're such a coward. It's real easy to boast about your tattoo shops, your $500,000, and what a tough little bigot you are when you can't even say your name.

Let's not wait a month. How about I send some associates to visit YOU in Nashville? Don't think I don't know exactly who you are.

Silly, I know, but as I said, he's not terribly clever and it just keeps generating the same boring responses. It's like talking to Eliza.

X-Originating-IP: [] From: "Bill Bush" <>
Subject: Re: is it real
Date: Fri, 1 Nov 2002 09:54:08 -0600

i can tell by your picture your queer,and ill leave it at that,jason price was right,youll now who i am when you see me fag.

then send them fag,you canadians talk lots of shit,bring it own,but your queer ass better have the balls to come

OK, this is starting to get ridiculous.

Oh grow up. What are you, ten?

Let me ask you a very simple question: what are you trying to achieve with this posturing? What was your point in emailing me in the first place, besides making yourself look like a hick dumbass?

The punchline is that he doesn't even know. He figures the threaten and posture stage comes before the planning stage:

X-Originating-IP: []
From: "Bill Bush" <>
Subject: Re: is it real
Date: Fri, 1 Nov 2002 11:06:03 -0600

when jason and our crew get our hands on you youll know

From the IP and a couple other things, it's obvious that this response has been sent from someone else; he's clearly forwarded it to another group member to get a more literate response (you'll notice the distinct lack of font problems). Anyway, I figure this'll really upset him:

As they say in Israel, “zayin al hakuss hamasrihach shel haima hamechoeret shelcha”. Or perhaps you do not speak Hebrew? You do not appear to be an educated man

You do realize that transmitting threats across state lines is a felony, don't you, and that I have recorded every single thing you've said, along with full IP records?

Reading it now I realize that he probably won't have any idea what “IP records” even means, let alone being able to figure out the Hebrew.

X-Originating-IP: []
From: "Bill Bush" <>
Subject: Re: is it real
Date: Fri, 1 Nov 2002 11:17:30 -0600

ive done the same,thief,will be up north in dec.see you then,my name is bill bush,this will be my last mail to you fag,your a thief,and its caught up with you

Well this is getting boring. I think it's time to try some “reverse psychology”, don't you?

Wow, thanks for your email! I just wanted to tell you straight up, I really like 2 FUCK! Jason told me u're into fuckin' too. Lets hookup for a juicy weekend (maybe even this weekend) and cum together!

Can't wait to fuck like rabbits,
Big Canadian Fag

Somehow I doubt that he'll stick to his “this is the last email I'm sending you” claim. As I suspected:

X-Originating-IP: []
From: "Bill Bush" <>
Subject: Re: is it real
Date: Fri, 1 Nov 2002 11:27:02 -0600

if thats what you like see you in dec.

In the interests of a lengthy funmail, I of course replied. I think I ought to switch over to my Franko Derb persona soon.

So what you're saying is if it's “Elif air ab tizak” (as they say in Saudi Arabia), you're there?
My address in Toronto is 40 College St., Toronto, ON. Stop by any time.

PS. When you said, “this is the last email I'm sending you”, what you actually meant was “I'll be emailing you again in a few minutes”, right?

Instead of replying, he just forwarded my message back to me twice in a row (maybe he thought he was flooding my account, or maybe he was trying to redirect it to someone else)… I haven't heard from him since. I'm sure that there are pranksters far better than me who will have some fun (if you do, and you post it, please let me know, it always cracks me up).

Wow Shannon, that's really annoying! What is it, 1997 on Geocities? Retroweb is NOT cool!

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